Many of my clients are busy, high-performing professionals, working in high responsibility roles. So, I’m often asked about how best to interact and deal with perfectionist managers.
Here’s a selection of the common questions and concerns I tend to receive, and my tried and tested advice on this topic:
It can be draining to work for a perfectionist as their unrealistic expectations can make you feel that your time and input is not valued unless it meets their exact requests and expectations. However, their perfectionism will mean that they are not good at delegating to others as they will have anxiety about doing things perfectly and therefore struggle to start or finish tasks for fear of getting them wrong.
Do not let their perfectionism, that can result in self-sabotage for them and the team, stress you. To counter this, you need to set your own boundaries. For example, if they email you at out-of-office times you may choose to not respond until you are back in the office unless it is truly urgent. When given a timeframe for a task, suggest a more realistic one, stressing that this will enhance the outcome of the task. As perfectionists struggle to set realistic limits on tasks themselves, they can value this support when it comes from a teammate who is firm but kind.
Also get their buy-in by asking them to prioritise all the tasks they have set you. If they are unwilling or unable to do this, then set your own goals and an achievable workload. At least this way you will end the day with a sense of personal satisfaction for a job well done.
Sadly, your perfectionist manager has so much criticism for themselves (and see this as essential to galvanise themselves to push on and maintain high standards) that they won’t realise just how much their comments hurt you.
Take control of making their feedback less frequent and trivial by responding in a new way. You can try by agreeing with the criticism that is coming your way and then turning it back to them. So, instead of defending yourself or what you did, simply agree and then ask your manager what specifically they would like you to do differently. In effect, ask them to mentor you.
If you absolutely feel that you were in the right then stick to your guns, state as dispassionately as possible what you did/why you did it and stress how this approach was for the benefit of the team and the end result (as they may have lost sight of the bigger picture or the need for team harmony).
Lastly, if possible, and if it will not undermine your manager or their position, seek support and mentoring from others in the organisation: perhaps suggest a ‘buddy’ or ‘cross-departmental mentoring scheme’.
This defensive behaviour is because they are afraid of getting it wrong or being seen to be less than competent or in charge. Also, when perfectionists hear from others how they feel, they tend to feel resentful that they are wasting their time listening to such things or even hear it as an attack on them.
View your feedback as mini-experiments into what will resonate with them and what will not. You can’t change them, but you can teach them to treat you better and to be more trusting and open towards your feedback, suggestions and dialogue.
To do this, take a deep breath and talk to them. Stick to the facts. Controlling perfectionists live in a world of facts so when you make your points, be precise and as clear and dispassionate as you can be. If it helps, write up your points in a short, concise document (perhaps a one page summary) and where possible, without looking like you are scoring points, also offer feedback about you/your activities from others, or highlight key milestones you have achieved, as they will then see that you too work hard and also are valued by others. You are teaching them to value you and relate to you in a new way.
Again, start where they are and if you can agree with them or thank them for their feedback it will help and make them more open to what else you have to say. If you have to, end the conversation after making your case and ask that they reflect on your points/look over your report. This can diffuse the need a perfectionist will have to be seen to be in charge and allow them the opportunity to consider, in a more objective way, all the points you have made.
Perfectionists tend not to see the bigger picture as they get caught up on the details and on what is urgent and pressing rather than what is really important. They can be preoccupied with lists, details, rules and order, and you will end up on the other end of this behaviour. They may have lost sight of the overall aim of what the team is trying to achieve, so again you need to set your own limits and convey them clearly to your manager, stressing that you are seeing the bigger picture and believe that shifting the goal in a certain way will lead to a better result for all.
As a perfectionist, they will invariably work extraordinary long hours in order to ‘get it right’ and not value they own time so will not value yours. Start with small steps which set some boundaries for you such as saying: “As I know my current workload well plus my home commitments, I realistically believe that by setting a new date of X we will achieve a more thorough and well considered outcome for this”. Then add a small positive step suggestion that will give them confidence that it can work, such as: “And I suggest that we clear tomorrow afternoon to scope out the project frame that I have already started to research by asking X to produce a list of last year’s results” (or similar).
A perfectionist is so afraid of failure that the main mantra in their head will already be: “if you want a job doing properly, do it yourself”. However, they forget that they tend to strive for impossible goals whereas pursuers of excellence meet high standards that are within reach. Remember that perfectionists remember mistakes but pursuers of excellence correct mistakes and learn from them.
The stress that perfectionists put themselves under to ‘get it right’ can lead to procrastination (for fear of ‘getting it wrong’) which means that projects are delayed, mistakes made while trying to make up for lost time and the bigger picture lost sight of.
Knowing this, you can make this less personal. Clearly, in a job that requires extreme precision such as law or medicine there is what is called ‘socially prescribed perfectionism’ to get it right. People in these and similar professions experience more than average levels of depression, self-harm and suicide as they become overwhelmed by the standards imposed on them and their self-set goals. Be mindful of this and keep in mind that perfectionism is not the end goal for each task and a few minor slip-ups will not ruin the progress towards the overreaching goal or project success unless you let it.
This means that you have to stop your negative self-talk away from “I’m scared to make a mistake” to “Today I will do my best, be mindful of what will make the project a success and be focused and calm”. If this means you have to take a walk at lunchtime away from the office or even go to the toilet and deep breathe for five minutes, then do this.
Also, when mistakes are made, be the one to voice what you or the team has learned from it. Or come up with a strategy for it not happening again. This will give your manager reassurance and a new way of viewing mistakes as outcomes rather than the be all and end all of the project.
This blog was originally published here.
About this author
Rosalyn Palmer is a Transformational Coach and Therapist, author, columnist and broadcaster. She is UK based and has an international teletherapy private practice as an Advanced Rapid Transformational Therapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist and award-winning coach.
Rosalyn is the wellbeing expert on radio show Girls Around Town and for The Newark Advertiser newspaper. She features regularly on podcasts and in many publications for her easy to understand mental health advice.
As author of the award-winning self-help book: ‘Reset! A Blueprint for a Better Life’ she shares many of her own former challenges as a stressed-out MD of a leading London PR agency and then offers practical advice for readers to create more balanced lives. Rosalyn is now also a co-author of Amazon No.1 bestselling self-help books ‘Ignite Your Life for Women’, ‘Ignite Your Female Leadership’ and ‘Ignite for Female Changemakers’.
A member of the National Council of Psychotherapists; General Hypnotherapy Register & Complementary and Natural Healthcare Council.
Formerly the MD/Founder of Award winning PR agency RPPR, Head of Marketing for an International charity and Head of Insight for a T&D company, and with an enviable CV from leading London agencies in the 80s and 90s, Rosalyn has grown from many challenging life experiences. This colours and tempers her writing, broadcasting and speaking.
Rosalyn Palmer CC.Hyp. MPMH. ARRT.
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